In The Beginning...

"Marie! Come here real quick." That's how it all began...

My youth pastor had just called my name and motioned for me to come talk to him. That week, I was at CIY, a christian youth conference. It was the middle of the day with nothing exciting going on execpt for the very common debate about where we were going to eat lunch that day. When I heard those words come from my youth pastor, I was a little scared. I thought maybe I was in trouble, but I knew that I didn't do anything wrong. So I walked over to Justin and asked him why he had called my name. He informed me that CIY would be passing out the cards again this year. Not just any cards. The cards that were concealed in a small envelope. The cards that had a huge mission on it for the holder to complete. Once the envelope was opened, the holder was obligated to fullfill the challenge. If it wasn't opened, there was no guilt. The cards that told Zach and I to collect a thousand coats for the needy last year. The cards are back. My stomach dropped.

A couple of days before I left for CIY, I should have known that God was trying to tell me that the cards would be passed out again when my mom made a joke about them. "Marie, if you receive another card this year, do not open it!" My mom and I laughed about it jokingly. I've learned lately that God really does have a sense of humor, doesn't He?

After I talked with Justin about whether our youth group should open the cards that night together or if we should open them in front of our friends and families, I walked away still shocked knowing that that night I would have another card in my hands. I'm the type of person that loves surprises because I don't like knowing about when something trialing will be occuring soon. When I know, I get really bad anxiety that sometimes deters me from ever facing those trials. After I talked to Justin and when free time began, I hung out with friends, and had a great time. The idea of the card was in the back of my mind, but it didn't start stressing me out until it was dinner time. Only an hour until the sermon. Only an hour until I recieved the card. My stomach was churning. It was hard to eat. That huge weight on my chest wasn't from what was on the card. God has given me the gift of faith. I know that with Him, I can do ANYTHING. The weight that was clouding my brain was the life-changing decision whether or not I should open the card. All day, I debated back and forth whether or not I should open it.

The feeling was eating me up inside. I knew I had to tell someone. I pulled Anna aside into the bathroom. Anna and I were rooming together, and I had gotten to know her a lot throughout the week. I knew that I could trust her. I didn't know whether or not anyone else was allowed to know. I told her about the cards and about how it was eating me up inside. She reassured me that God will make it clear. I can't explain how clear He made it.

That night our youth group filed in to the auditorium where we have worship and a sermon. As we walked in, we were handed the cards in envelopes just like the year before. I sat next to Anna at the end of the row. Our youth group was sitting in the back that day. I sat in my chair just staring at my card. God, what am I supposed to do? I can't even count how many times I asked that question throughout the day. As we sat in our seats waiting for worship to begin, a guy went out on the stage and announced that graduated students should go to the back of the auditorium to get a different colored card. The black envelopes were for the highschool students. The green envelopes were for the students who had just graduated. I sprung up from my seat and got the first card from the woman holding them. That card was for me. I walked back to my seat holding my card. Then worship began. We rose to our feet to praise our God. God, thank you so much for this week. All I can ever do is thank You, because You have blessed me beyond what I could ever fathom. The weight on my chest was growing heavier and heavier. God, I want to praise You and glorify You right now, but this card keeps weighing me down. I can't stand anymore. I apologized to God, because I knew that I should have been praising Him, but I needed to just talk to Him. I sat in my seat and started to pray. God, what do You want me to do about this card? I've been feeling something stirring in my heart for the past couple of days. I know You have somthing big planned for me, but what is it? Do you want me to open the card? But I have college that I'm starting soon. I'm taking a lot of credit hours and some hard classes. I have huge expenses now, because of it. I don't know if I'll be able to open this card. I know that with You, I can do anything, but do you really want me to open it? I haven't really felt you in my life in a while. I've been so distracted. I'm sorry. God, please, just let me feel You. If you want me to open this card, make me feel it! I WANT TO FEEL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. WHAT DO YOU WANT? PLEASE TELL ME! PLEASE.  I wasn't just praying, I started yelling and screaming to God in my prayer. The weight on my shoulders had turned into God pulling on my chest and He was pulling even harder on my heart. It was the strongest pull that I had ever felt from Him. God had spoken subtley to me a couple times in my life before, but it was nothing like this. He really wanted something. I began to cry. Tears flowing slowly down my cheeks. GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT? GOD, PLEASE GOD, PLEASE TELL ME! PLEASE, GOD. YOU ARE PULLING SO HARD ON ME RIGHT NOW. I KNOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING FOR ME TO DO! TELL ME! I know You are keeping something from me. I know You're going to want me to do something big. Maybe You don't want to tell me that. I respect that and I know that sometimes You like to wait. I know that You know what is best for me so I'm trusting You. You are pulling so hard on my heart right now though. Please just tell me! What should I do about the card? Then, God spoke. Marie, drop the Calculus class and open the card. 

It was just that simple and all of the weight was lifted off of my shoulders. The weight was gone and I started bawling. I was crying so hard, because I was so happy and relieved that God finally told me what He wanted from me, and I didn't have to stress anymore. The Calculus class that God told me to drop was a high Calculus class that I was going to take so that I could minor in math. In order for me to meet the requirements, I had to begin in this high Calculus class my first semester. It took up a lot of time in my schedule, too. God spoke again. Marie, go tell Sierra. She will be a great mentor for you. Sierra was one of my leaders in my small group at CIY. I felt very drawn to her because we had a lot in common. We were both going to college to be a teacher. I looked around for her, but I couldn't see her so I just walked out into the lobby area towards the bathroom, but something was holding me back. I stood in the lobby trying to dry my tears, but they kept flowing. A short man with a headset was standing by the doors that lead back into the auditorium where everyone was worshipping still. Obviously, he was part of the CIY staff. We made eye contact so he walked over and asked if I was okay. It probably would seem odd to someone there that someone was crying when it was only the first worship session. Students usually begin to cry after the sermon, during the second session of worship. I smiled and told him that I was okay. 

As the man walked away, God kept pushing me. Marie, go tell Sierra. God, I don't know where she is. I don't want to make a fool of myself trying to look for her while bawling and with worship still going on! Go get Todd and tell him to get Sierra for you. Todd was my other small group leader. I knew where he was because he was in the very last row. I walked into the auditorium still trying to stop crying but I was failing. "TODD" I had to yell over the loud worship music. He looked at me with a huge shocked face. "Can you get Sierra for me please? Tell her to meet me in the lobby." I could barely muster those words out of my mouth without starting to cry again. He left to go find Sierra and I went back out into the lobby so I wouldn't cause a scene. Sierra and Todd came busting through the doors into the lobby. Sierra walked over and asked if everything was okay. Right away, I reasurred her that I was just really happy, but that I had to tell her something. I told everything that had just happened to me. It felt so good to tell someone about how God is still working and how alive He is! She was so happy for me. Then I told her how God wanted her to be my mentor. I've always been told that I should have a mentor, but I wasn't really drawn to anyone or the idea of it, but I was drawn to Sierra. She was so excited and felt so honored that someone wanted HER to be their mentor. She was glowing with happiness. We hugged many times because we were so happy. Finally, we went back into the auditorium to our seperate seats. I went back to my seat next to Anna. That night, I worshipped God like I had never worshipped him before. I finally knew what I had to do.