I know that it has been a while since I have last posted about this. It's been a very long and fulfilling semester. I finally have most of the questions answered. I finally called Dan Crosley to set up an appointment for when we can meet to talk about any insight that he has for me. Our conversation was very brief and so he had no idea about what I was striving for. He just knew that I was interested in going on a mission trip. There was two weeks between when I called and when I was going to be able to meet with him, so I emailed him my blog so that he would know the whole story before we met. It was finally the day that we were meeting. I met him at church before first service. We sat down, prayed for guidance, and began. All I was expecting from him was some advice and maybe some places that could be a possible place to go. He gave me so much more. He told me that he had called a family that lives in David, Panama and they would love to have me stay with them. I was completely speechless. All I could do was smile and say, "God is so amazing". I literally could not stop smiling! Not a little smirk. Those big huge grins that you get when you are filled with pure happiness. The grins that stretch your face farther than you thought it could go. The biggest weight that had been on my shoulders was just GONE.
Then Dan went on to explain that the family includes a daughter who had just graduated from college to be a teacher. The parents speak little bit of English, and she can speak English pretty well. I will probably be able to work in the Christian School to help teach and also help around the church. Did I mention that I'm going to college to be a teacher? Did I mention that children are my passion? Is all of this just a coincidence? Never. This is God and only God. This is how God shows he loves me. I've been told my whole life that God loves me so much more than I could ever imagine. I have read about his deep and infinite love. I have learned throughout my life that as I pray to God more and show him more and more how much I love him back, the more he blesses my life. God shows me that he loves me in so many ways, but he is finally doing more than just letting me feel his love. He is SHOWING me how much he loves me. He knows that I love speaking Spanish. He knows that I love children. He knows that I was born to be a teacher. He knows that I will need someone to talk to (in English) when I'm down there. He knows that I will need someone my age who will understand me as a young adult but also as a girl. I don't see this as a challenge anymore. I see this as an adventure.
Then there was the question of when I will be going. I was hoping to go from the beginning of May until the middle of June so that I wouldn't have to miss my family's yearly vacation. Then there was the question of how will I be traveling. Obviously, by flight. But the real question was if there was anyway for someone to travel with me so I wouldn't have to travel alone. This made me very uneasy as it did to my mom as well. These questions floated in the air until Juan (the father of the family that I will be staying with) came here for his own plans and my family and I were able to meet with him and Dan. I was very nervous about meeting him. I always get anxious about the unknown. Finally, we arrived in Dan's office to meet Juan. Dan had to translate the whole time for us, but I could follow along to most of what Juan was saying. Then Juan informed us that he would not be home during May, so he suggested that I travel down with the WRCC team when they go to David, Panama at the end of June, participate in the mission trip, and then go to Juan's house for the rest of the time. There was one big problem with that. My family's vacation was at the end of June. My family and I were doing everything that we could to avoid those ten days in June. But hearing the words that I would have someone to travel with brought so much peace over me that I couldn't have it any other way. In my heart, traveling down with the WRCC team just felt right. Plus the mission trip included going to a primitive village outside of David, construction, and VBS
It's never a coincidence. It's all God. Always was. Always is. Always will be. God has planned this very precisely and specifically for me. I have such a peace in my heart when I think about going now that the questions are all answered. Even when the questions were still clouding my mind and my brain was screaming that this is a crazy idea, my heart told me that everything was going to be okay. God won't let me down. Even if the plans don't go through, God has given me so much just through the process. Since I tested into the highest Spanish class that I could, I would be able to receive credit for the previous classes if I passed the class that I tested into. If I got an A in the class that I tested into, I would also get A's for all the classes that I skipped. Not only does this help for my goal to minor in Spanish, it also will help boost my GPA. I just checked my final grade for my Spanish class, and I got an A for the semester. Thank you, God. I also got A's in the rest of my classes and on my final. Thank you, God. Also, God is teaching me how to live on my own. Going to another country without my parents is very far out of my comfort zone. I have always been raised that I only had to do what I was comfortable with, so I always stayed inside of my own little comfort zone. I've had the same core friends for a long time. But God's showing me how there is so much more to life than "my own little world". Knowing that I'm about to do something very far out of what I'm used to, I have been and will keep preparing myself mentally for this trip. With God's help, I'm making myself more independent. It's not only best for this trip, but it's also a good way to change my life to prepare myself for college and for after college. I know that it's far away, but my first semester has already come and gone. God is also teaching me to cherish every moment that I have because it may be over one day. There are so many things that I do and do not miss about high school. When I look back, I wish I had done somethings differently and I also reminisce about all the good times that I had as well. It's reminding me to be strong, to not live to please the world, and to make the most of every moment. Thank you, God, for everything. I can never thank you enough. "All eyes are on you, Lord." This is all for You.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Destination: The Sun After The Fog
Since I received that challenge, I have been praying about it. My first step was to take a placement test to see which Spanish class that I should be in. Then I would email my advisor as soon as I could to set up an appointment about taking a Spanish class. College was starting in two weeks, and my schedule was already pretty full. I thought that there was no way that I would test into a good class for me, and that it would correspond with my schedule. It had been three months since I had even thought about Spanish so I was very nervous about taking the placement test. I just kept praying during my test for God to give me the right amount of knowledge to get me placed in the right Spanish class for me and also a class that fit my schedule. After a week of waiting, my advisor informed me that I tested into a Spanish class that FIT IN MY SCHEDULE! I was shocked! It fit perfectly before one of my other classes. God completed the first step of my card! I felt so relieved and so much more confident that God and I really are going to do this! Once again, he has reassured me even more in this uncertain time.
I attended my first Spanish class this week. It consisted of ten students and the friendliest teacher. What class would be more perfect for someone who's shy about talking out loud in Spanish than in a class with only ten students and a teacher who will be happy even if the answer is completely wrong!? Now, I know that God is really starting to show what He's made of! I thanked God so much this week. Not only for getting me in the perfect Spanish class, but also for healing me from my sickness on Sunday so that I wouldn't have to miss my first day of classes on Monday. I thanked him for allowing all of my teachers to be fun and loving. I thanked him for helping me to make a lot of new, good friends. I thanked him for just making my first week of college perfect!
As I continued to drive back and forth to Kokomo everyday, I started to get bored of sitting with the cruise on for 45 minutes. I considered moving in with a friend who lives in Kokomo. Then God told me that I could still use that time for something useful, and I knew exactly what He had in mind. Those 45 minutes would be perfect for me to spend talking to my God. God has done a lot of his talking to me in the past while I was driving, so driving would be a perfect time to talk to God. Plus, it was time set out of my busy schedule to just be quiet, talk to him and listen. It gives me time to pray for the day to come, get my mind set on His will, and to thank Him for the day that He has blessed me with.
Another reason that I decided against moving to Kokomo was because of one word: Cade. Cade always puts the biggest smile on my face, even when I am in the worst mood. That day, I got a text from his mom saying that she was wondering if I could start babysitting the next day! I was so happy that I was able to say yes! After talking with his mom, she needs me for a lot of hours in the next few weeks. God is providing me with many hours to help me save up for this trip and to pay for college expenses as they start to pile up. It's amazing how something so small could mean so much!
God continues to astonish me with all of the plans that He has for me. I love seeing the next step in this journey unfold, and I just look up to the sky and say thank you with the biggest smile on my face. Ever since I opened that card, I have felt the deepest happiness and peace within my soul. I have never felt God's love in this great of an altitude for me, and it never ceases. Now, I will start randomly dancing and singing around the house and in stores, because I just feel so much love from God! I can't remember the last time that I was this happy. It has been a very long year for me. Full of ups and downs, but mostly loneliness. Now, I feel like I could be completely alone, but I would never feel lonely because God's love equals the love of many, many people. I JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN HOW HAPPY AND LOVED I FEEL! I never want to lose this feeling. Ever. I just love God so much, because He loved me first and because He loves me so much more than I could ever fathom.
As I was driving to college on one really foggy day, the sun hadn't risen yet. Before the sun had come up, the road was very blurry, and it was hard to see in front of me. But once the sun finally emerged from behind the horizon, the fog was a little clearer. As soon as I saw that sun, I thought of my God. Even through all the confusion of this journey and even though I have no idea what is coming next, I know which way to go. Towards the sun. Towards my God. As long as I follow Him, the path will start to become more clear. I can't wait until the fog is gone, but until then, I will follow my Light.
Monday, August 9, 2010
A Very Anxious Weekend
After that night, I put the concealed envelope in my wallet. On Saturday, my youth group headed home from CIY, and on Sunday, we would be opening our envelopes in front of families and friends at a special night service. I still had more than a day to relax until the big moment. When we finally arrived home from a long five-hour bus ride, we were greeted by our parents, and our youth group separated for the first time in almost a week. It was a sad moment to leave our new church family and yet it was so good to see our real family. My mom picked my brother and I up from the church. (And of course, Faith had to come along for the ride, too!) We went home, but before my brother and I could start telling all of our stories, my mom stopped us. We couldn't tell any stories until my dad was home. We were going to go out to dinner (and eat some REAL food for the first time in almost a week) as a family and talk about Timmy and I's week. After a very long hour of sealed lips, my dad finally came home and we went out to dinner. Timmy and I talked nonstop throughout the car ride and throughout dinner. I told my parents that I had decided that I was going to open my envelope. I told them about how God spoke to me one night. It wasn't my choice to open the envelope. It was God's.
As I woke up Sunday morning, I knew what was coming. Only about 10 more hours until the moment of truth. It was that feeling that you get when you wake up and you know that today is going to change your life. After I finished getting ready for church, I put the envelope in my back pocket in order to constantly remind me to pray about it throughout the day. After church, I went home and had some lunch. During lunchtime, I was talking with my parents about opening the card that night. And I know how much my mom and dad would have preferred that I didn't open my enveloped. It wasn't just a challenge for me, it was also a strain on my parents to help me as well. My dad talked to me about what I would do if it told me to go on a mission trip. I smiled and said that I would do it. I was so calm about the card. I could see how worried my parents were. They have never been out of the country before so they were very very leery about allowing their child to go some place that they haven't been before, especially outside of the protective walls of our country. I tried to reassure them that if it was a mission trip, that God would provide and everything would be okay, but that didn't even lessen their anxiety the slightest bit. As much as they didn't want me to go on a mission trip, part of me wanted it to be out of the country just to prove to my parents that I could do it. I want to show them and everyone that God can even used a sheltered young lady like me to do His will, even if it means going out of the country.
After we were done talking, I went upstairs to my room to read my bible. I wanted to continue my one-on-one time with God like I had done for the past week, especially on a day like this. I sat in bed, trying so hard to read my bible and to pray. During the night before, I didn't get much sleep, because I was visiting with my grandpa and I went to first service in the morning. When I get tired, my emotions start to intensify. I started to have doubts about whether I should really open the card or not. I knew it was going to be hard, but no matter what excuse I came up with, my heart knew the whole time that I should open the card. As I was reading my bible in my bed, I fell asleep. Once I woke up, I felt so much better. I felt so rested and my mindset had completely changed. I smiled and knew that tonight was the night that I was going to open the envelope that was made specifically for me by God. Three more hours to go, and I started to get anxious. I tried keeping myself busy to get my mind off of it, but there was no point in trying. I have a confession. I could read some of the words through my envelope. I told myself that I would only read one word. I could barely figure out what the word was but I saw "language" and "country". Then I told my mom that I would love so much for it to say "Go to a country that speaks a different language." I told God that I would love for my card to say that!
FINALLY. My family and I were on our way to the church. We arrived at the church and socialized until the service began. The CIY students and I didn't walk to our seats. We ran, because we were ready. We were ready to worship our Almighty God. We were ready to share our experiences with the church. We were ready to begin our ActiveWater commitment. We were ready to open the envelopes.
We worshipped as a church family again. Afterwards, Justin had the leaders talk about their experience at CIY. Then he introduced what ActiveWater was and how our youth group wanted to help. I kept thinking to myself, hurry! I was getting so anxious to open my card. I held that card and just kept looking at it. Then Justin announced that we were going to read our cards. I wanted to go first because I was getting so anxious. My leg was shaking. My palms were sweating. I couldn't wait any longer, but that wasn't my choice. Justin had all of the students that were going to open their cards go to the front and sit on the steps. I ran up there as fast as I could, but it wasn't fast enough. I was going to wait a little bit longer. Justin called up each student one by one and had each one read their card for the first time to the audience. As I sat there, I wasn't anxious or nervous anymore, I was excited!
Finally, it was my turn. I felt like I was bouncing up the steps, because I was just so excited. Before I opened my card, I told the audience that my mom had tried to open the card for me just to make a joke. I was trying to help calm myself down before the big moment. I opened my card and it read, "Take a foreign language class this year and go to another country for two months." I don't even remember reading the card. I just remember my reaction. I can't even explain what I did. I was running in place, jumping up and down, shaking my whole body around, and screaming. I have no idea what came over me, except I knew that it was pure happiness! It was exactly what I was hoping for! God made it so perfect and I didn't know how else to react. Even after I walked off of stage, I was still screaming. After I sat down and got a chance to take it all in, I started crying. I was crying because I was so happy. God knew the PERFECT card to give to me. I sat there and thanked him through and through. After the other students opened the rest of their cards, we all worshipped again. As I worshipped my mom and Sierra came and gave me a hug, because they also knew how perfect the card was for me. As I worshipped that night, tears streamed down my face, because I was so happy and so thankful! I just kept thanking God over and over again for that card.
I felt so loved by God that night. He knew me inside and out. I've always been told that and I believed it. I've learned the hard way that actions speak louder than words. God proved to me that night how much he loved me. He knew what the perfect challenge for me would be. I've already taken five years of spanish. Going out of the country will not only help me grow in so many ways, it will also help my parents grow. My parents and I will be thrown outside of our comfort zones. It will help them trust Him more that He will keep me safe. My mom told me that when she heard me read the card, she was so happy for me, but she would miss me so much. Then God told her that I wasn't her child anymore. That I belong to God and I'm his child. He will guide me. I will continue to post blogs about updates and how God continues to work in my life to make this challenge come true. If you are reading my blogs, please pray for this journey. It is going to be a long and difficult one, but God will provide. He always knows what's best. It's in His hands. All we can do is pray, and He will answer with the perfect words at the perfect time.
As I woke up Sunday morning, I knew what was coming. Only about 10 more hours until the moment of truth. It was that feeling that you get when you wake up and you know that today is going to change your life. After I finished getting ready for church, I put the envelope in my back pocket in order to constantly remind me to pray about it throughout the day. After church, I went home and had some lunch. During lunchtime, I was talking with my parents about opening the card that night. And I know how much my mom and dad would have preferred that I didn't open my enveloped. It wasn't just a challenge for me, it was also a strain on my parents to help me as well. My dad talked to me about what I would do if it told me to go on a mission trip. I smiled and said that I would do it. I was so calm about the card. I could see how worried my parents were. They have never been out of the country before so they were very very leery about allowing their child to go some place that they haven't been before, especially outside of the protective walls of our country. I tried to reassure them that if it was a mission trip, that God would provide and everything would be okay, but that didn't even lessen their anxiety the slightest bit. As much as they didn't want me to go on a mission trip, part of me wanted it to be out of the country just to prove to my parents that I could do it. I want to show them and everyone that God can even used a sheltered young lady like me to do His will, even if it means going out of the country.
After we were done talking, I went upstairs to my room to read my bible. I wanted to continue my one-on-one time with God like I had done for the past week, especially on a day like this. I sat in bed, trying so hard to read my bible and to pray. During the night before, I didn't get much sleep, because I was visiting with my grandpa and I went to first service in the morning. When I get tired, my emotions start to intensify. I started to have doubts about whether I should really open the card or not. I knew it was going to be hard, but no matter what excuse I came up with, my heart knew the whole time that I should open the card. As I was reading my bible in my bed, I fell asleep. Once I woke up, I felt so much better. I felt so rested and my mindset had completely changed. I smiled and knew that tonight was the night that I was going to open the envelope that was made specifically for me by God. Three more hours to go, and I started to get anxious. I tried keeping myself busy to get my mind off of it, but there was no point in trying. I have a confession. I could read some of the words through my envelope. I told myself that I would only read one word. I could barely figure out what the word was but I saw "language" and "country". Then I told my mom that I would love so much for it to say "Go to a country that speaks a different language." I told God that I would love for my card to say that!
FINALLY. My family and I were on our way to the church. We arrived at the church and socialized until the service began. The CIY students and I didn't walk to our seats. We ran, because we were ready. We were ready to worship our Almighty God. We were ready to share our experiences with the church. We were ready to begin our ActiveWater commitment. We were ready to open the envelopes.
We worshipped as a church family again. Afterwards, Justin had the leaders talk about their experience at CIY. Then he introduced what ActiveWater was and how our youth group wanted to help. I kept thinking to myself, hurry! I was getting so anxious to open my card. I held that card and just kept looking at it. Then Justin announced that we were going to read our cards. I wanted to go first because I was getting so anxious. My leg was shaking. My palms were sweating. I couldn't wait any longer, but that wasn't my choice. Justin had all of the students that were going to open their cards go to the front and sit on the steps. I ran up there as fast as I could, but it wasn't fast enough. I was going to wait a little bit longer. Justin called up each student one by one and had each one read their card for the first time to the audience. As I sat there, I wasn't anxious or nervous anymore, I was excited!
Finally, it was my turn. I felt like I was bouncing up the steps, because I was just so excited. Before I opened my card, I told the audience that my mom had tried to open the card for me just to make a joke. I was trying to help calm myself down before the big moment. I opened my card and it read, "Take a foreign language class this year and go to another country for two months." I don't even remember reading the card. I just remember my reaction. I can't even explain what I did. I was running in place, jumping up and down, shaking my whole body around, and screaming. I have no idea what came over me, except I knew that it was pure happiness! It was exactly what I was hoping for! God made it so perfect and I didn't know how else to react. Even after I walked off of stage, I was still screaming. After I sat down and got a chance to take it all in, I started crying. I was crying because I was so happy. God knew the PERFECT card to give to me. I sat there and thanked him through and through. After the other students opened the rest of their cards, we all worshipped again. As I worshipped my mom and Sierra came and gave me a hug, because they also knew how perfect the card was for me. As I worshipped that night, tears streamed down my face, because I was so happy and so thankful! I just kept thanking God over and over again for that card.
I felt so loved by God that night. He knew me inside and out. I've always been told that and I believed it. I've learned the hard way that actions speak louder than words. God proved to me that night how much he loved me. He knew what the perfect challenge for me would be. I've already taken five years of spanish. Going out of the country will not only help me grow in so many ways, it will also help my parents grow. My parents and I will be thrown outside of our comfort zones. It will help them trust Him more that He will keep me safe. My mom told me that when she heard me read the card, she was so happy for me, but she would miss me so much. Then God told her that I wasn't her child anymore. That I belong to God and I'm his child. He will guide me. I will continue to post blogs about updates and how God continues to work in my life to make this challenge come true. If you are reading my blogs, please pray for this journey. It is going to be a long and difficult one, but God will provide. He always knows what's best. It's in His hands. All we can do is pray, and He will answer with the perfect words at the perfect time.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
In The Beginning...
"Marie! Come here real quick." That's how it all began...
My youth pastor had just called my name and motioned for me to come talk to him. That week, I was at CIY, a christian youth conference. It was the middle of the day with nothing exciting going on execpt for the very common debate about where we were going to eat lunch that day. When I heard those words come from my youth pastor, I was a little scared. I thought maybe I was in trouble, but I knew that I didn't do anything wrong. So I walked over to Justin and asked him why he had called my name. He informed me that CIY would be passing out the cards again this year. Not just any cards. The cards that were concealed in a small envelope. The cards that had a huge mission on it for the holder to complete. Once the envelope was opened, the holder was obligated to fullfill the challenge. If it wasn't opened, there was no guilt. The cards that told Zach and I to collect a thousand coats for the needy last year. The cards are back. My stomach dropped.
A couple of days before I left for CIY, I should have known that God was trying to tell me that the cards would be passed out again when my mom made a joke about them. "Marie, if you receive another card this year, do not open it!" My mom and I laughed about it jokingly. I've learned lately that God really does have a sense of humor, doesn't He?
After I talked with Justin about whether our youth group should open the cards that night together or if we should open them in front of our friends and families, I walked away still shocked knowing that that night I would have another card in my hands. I'm the type of person that loves surprises because I don't like knowing about when something trialing will be occuring soon. When I know, I get really bad anxiety that sometimes deters me from ever facing those trials. After I talked to Justin and when free time began, I hung out with friends, and had a great time. The idea of the card was in the back of my mind, but it didn't start stressing me out until it was dinner time. Only an hour until the sermon. Only an hour until I recieved the card. My stomach was churning. It was hard to eat. That huge weight on my chest wasn't from what was on the card. God has given me the gift of faith. I know that with Him, I can do ANYTHING. The weight that was clouding my brain was the life-changing decision whether or not I should open the card. All day, I debated back and forth whether or not I should open it.
The feeling was eating me up inside. I knew I had to tell someone. I pulled Anna aside into the bathroom. Anna and I were rooming together, and I had gotten to know her a lot throughout the week. I knew that I could trust her. I didn't know whether or not anyone else was allowed to know. I told her about the cards and about how it was eating me up inside. She reassured me that God will make it clear. I can't explain how clear He made it.
That night our youth group filed in to the auditorium where we have worship and a sermon. As we walked in, we were handed the cards in envelopes just like the year before. I sat next to Anna at the end of the row. Our youth group was sitting in the back that day. I sat in my chair just staring at my card. God, what am I supposed to do? I can't even count how many times I asked that question throughout the day. As we sat in our seats waiting for worship to begin, a guy went out on the stage and announced that graduated students should go to the back of the auditorium to get a different colored card. The black envelopes were for the highschool students. The green envelopes were for the students who had just graduated. I sprung up from my seat and got the first card from the woman holding them. That card was for me. I walked back to my seat holding my card. Then worship began. We rose to our feet to praise our God. God, thank you so much for this week. All I can ever do is thank You, because You have blessed me beyond what I could ever fathom. The weight on my chest was growing heavier and heavier. God, I want to praise You and glorify You right now, but this card keeps weighing me down. I can't stand anymore. I apologized to God, because I knew that I should have been praising Him, but I needed to just talk to Him. I sat in my seat and started to pray. God, what do You want me to do about this card? I've been feeling something stirring in my heart for the past couple of days. I know You have somthing big planned for me, but what is it? Do you want me to open the card? But I have college that I'm starting soon. I'm taking a lot of credit hours and some hard classes. I have huge expenses now, because of it. I don't know if I'll be able to open this card. I know that with You, I can do anything, but do you really want me to open it? I haven't really felt you in my life in a while. I've been so distracted. I'm sorry. God, please, just let me feel You. If you want me to open this card, make me feel it! I WANT TO FEEL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. WHAT DO YOU WANT? PLEASE TELL ME! PLEASE. I wasn't just praying, I started yelling and screaming to God in my prayer. The weight on my shoulders had turned into God pulling on my chest and He was pulling even harder on my heart. It was the strongest pull that I had ever felt from Him. God had spoken subtley to me a couple times in my life before, but it was nothing like this. He really wanted something. I began to cry. Tears flowing slowly down my cheeks. GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT? GOD, PLEASE GOD, PLEASE TELL ME! PLEASE, GOD. YOU ARE PULLING SO HARD ON ME RIGHT NOW. I KNOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING FOR ME TO DO! TELL ME! I know You are keeping something from me. I know You're going to want me to do something big. Maybe You don't want to tell me that. I respect that and I know that sometimes You like to wait. I know that You know what is best for me so I'm trusting You. You are pulling so hard on my heart right now though. Please just tell me! What should I do about the card? Then, God spoke. Marie, drop the Calculus class and open the card.
It was just that simple and all of the weight was lifted off of my shoulders. The weight was gone and I started bawling. I was crying so hard, because I was so happy and relieved that God finally told me what He wanted from me, and I didn't have to stress anymore. The Calculus class that God told me to drop was a high Calculus class that I was going to take so that I could minor in math. In order for me to meet the requirements, I had to begin in this high Calculus class my first semester. It took up a lot of time in my schedule, too. God spoke again. Marie, go tell Sierra. She will be a great mentor for you. Sierra was one of my leaders in my small group at CIY. I felt very drawn to her because we had a lot in common. We were both going to college to be a teacher. I looked around for her, but I couldn't see her so I just walked out into the lobby area towards the bathroom, but something was holding me back. I stood in the lobby trying to dry my tears, but they kept flowing. A short man with a headset was standing by the doors that lead back into the auditorium where everyone was worshipping still. Obviously, he was part of the CIY staff. We made eye contact so he walked over and asked if I was okay. It probably would seem odd to someone there that someone was crying when it was only the first worship session. Students usually begin to cry after the sermon, during the second session of worship. I smiled and told him that I was okay.
As the man walked away, God kept pushing me. Marie, go tell Sierra. God, I don't know where she is. I don't want to make a fool of myself trying to look for her while bawling and with worship still going on! Go get Todd and tell him to get Sierra for you. Todd was my other small group leader. I knew where he was because he was in the very last row. I walked into the auditorium still trying to stop crying but I was failing. "TODD" I had to yell over the loud worship music. He looked at me with a huge shocked face. "Can you get Sierra for me please? Tell her to meet me in the lobby." I could barely muster those words out of my mouth without starting to cry again. He left to go find Sierra and I went back out into the lobby so I wouldn't cause a scene. Sierra and Todd came busting through the doors into the lobby. Sierra walked over and asked if everything was okay. Right away, I reasurred her that I was just really happy, but that I had to tell her something. I told everything that had just happened to me. It felt so good to tell someone about how God is still working and how alive He is! She was so happy for me. Then I told her how God wanted her to be my mentor. I've always been told that I should have a mentor, but I wasn't really drawn to anyone or the idea of it, but I was drawn to Sierra. She was so excited and felt so honored that someone wanted HER to be their mentor. She was glowing with happiness. We hugged many times because we were so happy. Finally, we went back into the auditorium to our seperate seats. I went back to my seat next to Anna. That night, I worshipped God like I had never worshipped him before. I finally knew what I had to do.
My youth pastor had just called my name and motioned for me to come talk to him. That week, I was at CIY, a christian youth conference. It was the middle of the day with nothing exciting going on execpt for the very common debate about where we were going to eat lunch that day. When I heard those words come from my youth pastor, I was a little scared. I thought maybe I was in trouble, but I knew that I didn't do anything wrong. So I walked over to Justin and asked him why he had called my name. He informed me that CIY would be passing out the cards again this year. Not just any cards. The cards that were concealed in a small envelope. The cards that had a huge mission on it for the holder to complete. Once the envelope was opened, the holder was obligated to fullfill the challenge. If it wasn't opened, there was no guilt. The cards that told Zach and I to collect a thousand coats for the needy last year. The cards are back. My stomach dropped.
A couple of days before I left for CIY, I should have known that God was trying to tell me that the cards would be passed out again when my mom made a joke about them. "Marie, if you receive another card this year, do not open it!" My mom and I laughed about it jokingly. I've learned lately that God really does have a sense of humor, doesn't He?
After I talked with Justin about whether our youth group should open the cards that night together or if we should open them in front of our friends and families, I walked away still shocked knowing that that night I would have another card in my hands. I'm the type of person that loves surprises because I don't like knowing about when something trialing will be occuring soon. When I know, I get really bad anxiety that sometimes deters me from ever facing those trials. After I talked to Justin and when free time began, I hung out with friends, and had a great time. The idea of the card was in the back of my mind, but it didn't start stressing me out until it was dinner time. Only an hour until the sermon. Only an hour until I recieved the card. My stomach was churning. It was hard to eat. That huge weight on my chest wasn't from what was on the card. God has given me the gift of faith. I know that with Him, I can do ANYTHING. The weight that was clouding my brain was the life-changing decision whether or not I should open the card. All day, I debated back and forth whether or not I should open it.
The feeling was eating me up inside. I knew I had to tell someone. I pulled Anna aside into the bathroom. Anna and I were rooming together, and I had gotten to know her a lot throughout the week. I knew that I could trust her. I didn't know whether or not anyone else was allowed to know. I told her about the cards and about how it was eating me up inside. She reassured me that God will make it clear. I can't explain how clear He made it.
That night our youth group filed in to the auditorium where we have worship and a sermon. As we walked in, we were handed the cards in envelopes just like the year before. I sat next to Anna at the end of the row. Our youth group was sitting in the back that day. I sat in my chair just staring at my card. God, what am I supposed to do? I can't even count how many times I asked that question throughout the day. As we sat in our seats waiting for worship to begin, a guy went out on the stage and announced that graduated students should go to the back of the auditorium to get a different colored card. The black envelopes were for the highschool students. The green envelopes were for the students who had just graduated. I sprung up from my seat and got the first card from the woman holding them. That card was for me. I walked back to my seat holding my card. Then worship began. We rose to our feet to praise our God. God, thank you so much for this week. All I can ever do is thank You, because You have blessed me beyond what I could ever fathom. The weight on my chest was growing heavier and heavier. God, I want to praise You and glorify You right now, but this card keeps weighing me down. I can't stand anymore. I apologized to God, because I knew that I should have been praising Him, but I needed to just talk to Him. I sat in my seat and started to pray. God, what do You want me to do about this card? I've been feeling something stirring in my heart for the past couple of days. I know You have somthing big planned for me, but what is it? Do you want me to open the card? But I have college that I'm starting soon. I'm taking a lot of credit hours and some hard classes. I have huge expenses now, because of it. I don't know if I'll be able to open this card. I know that with You, I can do anything, but do you really want me to open it? I haven't really felt you in my life in a while. I've been so distracted. I'm sorry. God, please, just let me feel You. If you want me to open this card, make me feel it! I WANT TO FEEL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. WHAT DO YOU WANT? PLEASE TELL ME! PLEASE. I wasn't just praying, I started yelling and screaming to God in my prayer. The weight on my shoulders had turned into God pulling on my chest and He was pulling even harder on my heart. It was the strongest pull that I had ever felt from Him. God had spoken subtley to me a couple times in my life before, but it was nothing like this. He really wanted something. I began to cry. Tears flowing slowly down my cheeks. GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT? GOD, PLEASE GOD, PLEASE TELL ME! PLEASE, GOD. YOU ARE PULLING SO HARD ON ME RIGHT NOW. I KNOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING FOR ME TO DO! TELL ME! I know You are keeping something from me. I know You're going to want me to do something big. Maybe You don't want to tell me that. I respect that and I know that sometimes You like to wait. I know that You know what is best for me so I'm trusting You. You are pulling so hard on my heart right now though. Please just tell me! What should I do about the card? Then, God spoke. Marie, drop the Calculus class and open the card.
It was just that simple and all of the weight was lifted off of my shoulders. The weight was gone and I started bawling. I was crying so hard, because I was so happy and relieved that God finally told me what He wanted from me, and I didn't have to stress anymore. The Calculus class that God told me to drop was a high Calculus class that I was going to take so that I could minor in math. In order for me to meet the requirements, I had to begin in this high Calculus class my first semester. It took up a lot of time in my schedule, too. God spoke again. Marie, go tell Sierra. She will be a great mentor for you. Sierra was one of my leaders in my small group at CIY. I felt very drawn to her because we had a lot in common. We were both going to college to be a teacher. I looked around for her, but I couldn't see her so I just walked out into the lobby area towards the bathroom, but something was holding me back. I stood in the lobby trying to dry my tears, but they kept flowing. A short man with a headset was standing by the doors that lead back into the auditorium where everyone was worshipping still. Obviously, he was part of the CIY staff. We made eye contact so he walked over and asked if I was okay. It probably would seem odd to someone there that someone was crying when it was only the first worship session. Students usually begin to cry after the sermon, during the second session of worship. I smiled and told him that I was okay.
As the man walked away, God kept pushing me. Marie, go tell Sierra. God, I don't know where she is. I don't want to make a fool of myself trying to look for her while bawling and with worship still going on! Go get Todd and tell him to get Sierra for you. Todd was my other small group leader. I knew where he was because he was in the very last row. I walked into the auditorium still trying to stop crying but I was failing. "TODD" I had to yell over the loud worship music. He looked at me with a huge shocked face. "Can you get Sierra for me please? Tell her to meet me in the lobby." I could barely muster those words out of my mouth without starting to cry again. He left to go find Sierra and I went back out into the lobby so I wouldn't cause a scene. Sierra and Todd came busting through the doors into the lobby. Sierra walked over and asked if everything was okay. Right away, I reasurred her that I was just really happy, but that I had to tell her something. I told everything that had just happened to me. It felt so good to tell someone about how God is still working and how alive He is! She was so happy for me. Then I told her how God wanted her to be my mentor. I've always been told that I should have a mentor, but I wasn't really drawn to anyone or the idea of it, but I was drawn to Sierra. She was so excited and felt so honored that someone wanted HER to be their mentor. She was glowing with happiness. We hugged many times because we were so happy. Finally, we went back into the auditorium to our seperate seats. I went back to my seat next to Anna. That night, I worshipped God like I had never worshipped him before. I finally knew what I had to do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)