My mom and I were talking a couple of nights ago about my trip to Panama. I told her about how I was having some doubts about whether God still wanted me to go or not. I could come up with hundreds of excuses why I shouldn't go such as it's a lot of money and it causes many people, including myself, a lot of anxiety. But I wasn't going to base my decision on excuses. So I went to my room and started journaling my prayer to God. As I'm writing, I'm telling God how confused I was and how I just wanted what He wanted. God talks to me by puting ideas into my head. Just then He wanted me to know that He just wants me to be happy. Panama wouldn't make me happy. But being a leader at Camp Allendale would. At that moment, it all came together. The biggest reason that I should go to camp instead of Panama is because I will be able to serve and be the hands and feet of God where I feel most comfortable so that I can do my best! In Panama, I would be nervous and scared and would shy away from sharing God's love. And I feel like Camp Allendale is right where I was made to be. I love that age group, and just being able to be an example for them to look upto would make me so happy. Also, like Tim said in his sermon last week, serving should be something that makes our soul happy aka going to camp, not something out of obligation aka doing what a card is telling me to do.
There are many reasons that pop into my head why I had opened that card:
1. I did it out of curiosity and thought it was God.
2. God wanted me to learn how to be more independent.
3. God wanted me to feel like I had a purpose in my life during a lower point in my life.
4. God wanted to give me the desire to do SOMETHING this summer. If I hadn't gotten the courage to go to Panama this summer, then it wouldn't have lead to me actually signing up for camp like I've always wanted to do.
5. God wanted to teach me that He can change his plan at any point in time and that I need to have an open mind and keep listening.
6. God wanted to remind me why I was made. I was made for each and every child that I come in contact with. Whether I am able to speak the name of Jesus to them or not, I want them to be ale to see God's true love through me and know that there is so much more to life than this.
This was a very hard thing for me to let go at first, but as I accept it more and more, I know that I have made the right decision. Especially when thinking about camp makes me smile like the trip to Panama never did.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4
The door to Panama has closed, but I start to wonder if it was ever opened in the first place. What I know for sure that children here in America are crying out for God's love. I want to be that person that connects them to a love that they will never forget. This is right where I am meant to be... for now. Only God knows where He will lead me next. :)
Can i just say that you are so bold to lay all of this out! You have so much humility. I'm am to this day unsure of what to think about those challenge cards. I do know that our God can do the impossible with us... and He will open and close doors all the time.. either way it's for our greater good and His... but i still question if challenge cards are even.. right. That kind of sounds bad.. maybe even offensive to Christ in Youth Org.. it doesn't mean to be.
ReplyDeleteEither way, i pray you continue to have peace about your decision and direction about where you should go for Him this summer. I think Allendale is a wonderful decision and you will be a light to so many youngsters!